Everyone in Wiltshire to be poisoned, eventually

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A decision has been made to poison all the people of Wiltshire, very slowly, sometimes two at a time, over the next few years.

Sometimes the Russians will be responsible for poisonings, sometimes other people that we’re equally not sure about, but eventually everyone will definitely be got.

House prices in the area have understandably tumbled, with local estate agent Peter Thape explaining that a five bedroom house, with mature gardens and a granny annex can now be purchased for 80p.

‘There’s no one left in the county – just poisoned people,’ said Thape.

‘I’ve got a lovely flat for you to look at; can you do half past five?’ asked Thape.