Everyone to die in the heat this week

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Sadly, everyone in the country will die this week, burned to a crisp by the sun, except in the North West, where light showers will dominate.

With most people already dead in Japan, Greece and ice-covered Sweden, all those who are outside between the hours of 5am and 9pm will also die here in England.

People are being advised to drink 30 gallons of water per day, wear factor 50,000 sun cream, or just buy a Double Caramel Magnum.

‘Long may it last; don’t forget the 10 month winter we had,’ said local hot person Peter Thape.

‘Noticed that we’ve still got that puddle on the path. Not quite hot enough for that to go,’ added Thape.