‘I will make cocaine affordable for everyone,’ pledges Gove

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Michael Gove looks set to become the next Prime Minister after promising to make cocaine more affordable for everyone.

Gove looks to have fought off other leadership candidates, who are just talking about tax cuts and other boring shit.

Local voter Peter Thape has waited a long time for a politician to actually start talking some sense.

‘Good old Govey, off his tits,’ said Thape.

‘A world where we’re all drugged up makes a lot more sense than the one we live in,’ added Thape.