Russian spies have been heavily criticised for their piss poor attempts at poisoning people with their fancy nerve agents.
Long gone are the days when spies use to kill us with a bit of flair; the poisoned tip of an umbrella, a casually sprinkled sachet into a cup of tea.
Local man, Peter Thape has never been poisoned by Russians, and he is keen to be pushed under a passing tube train, at the very least.
‘All these people walking out of hospital after having been poisoned – it’s a disgrace,’ said Thape.
‘I’ve had worse after a curry. Don’t go to that one in the precinct – their pizzas are shit too,’ added Thape.