Mike Ashley in talks to buy every shop in the world

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Mike Ashley hopes to complete the purchase of every shop across the whole of the planet this week.

The Newcastle FC owner, and brother of 80’s pop star Rick Astley, is monitoring the progress of each shop on the giant bank of TV screens in his bedroom.

Today, Ashley will buy Woolworths, Blockbuster, and the shop on the corner of your road where you get emergency toilet roll from, and an occasional bread.  

‘I want to own all the shops by Wednesday,’ said Ashley.

‘And have giant bins of socks in the entrances to all of them,’ added Ashley, laughing wildly.