No mass shooting today in America


Americans are cock-a-hoop at not having been shot yet today.

Although it’s still early in the morning in the USA, President Trump has tweeted a celebratory message to the nation, congratulating them on not killing each other in large numbers.

Texan, Peter ‘Chuck’ Thape, knows that lots of Americans will be shot today anyway, but not all by the same man, at the same time.

‘I think we’ve got a pretty good handle on things here,’ said Thape, firing his gun into the air in celebration.

‘Plus, we like to kill our own. Good old fashioned style. Yee-hah!’ added Thape, firing away in excitement.