Northerners only allowed one glass of water per week

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Strict new guidelines for water consumption mean that people in the North West will only be allowed one glass of water a week, probably on Thursday or Friday with their chips.

United Utilities have removed all taps, condensation, and goldfish bowls from people’s homes as the crisis worsens.

Plans to stop customers swallowing their own saliva have been shelved after rain was predicted for February.

‘From August, we’ll be down to one pipette of water per household,’ said United Utilities.

‘From September, crying will join the banned list,’ added United Utilities.