Scientists recommend five portions of bacon and sausages a day


Scientists have withdrawn the previous advice about fruit and veg, and recommended bacon, sausage and red meat instead.

Scientists have also confirmed that new born babies should be drinking gin from asbestos bottles, as opposed to the previous advice of breast milk.   

Leading scientist, Peter Thape has explained that from Monday, cigarettes will now carry the message that ‘Smoking is ace,’ on the side of the pack.

‘Some of the advice we give may not be helping,’ admitted Thape.

‘Yeah, watch out for muesli, that’s the real killer,’ he added.