Stabby burglar pensioner bloke available ‘For hire’

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Richard Osborne-Brooks, the pensioner who was cleared of stabbing a burglar to death can now be hired out to help with unwanted relatives and knobs in your own home.

At the reasonable price of two pints of Guinness, you can now place an Osborne-Brooks in your house for when your dickhead brother-in-law comes round, or that cock that suddenly appears when the match is on Sky.

Local man, Peter Thape recently used an Osborne-Brooks when a supposed friend came round for a cup of tea, but ended up trying to sell Thape a pension plan, and membership to Utility Warehouse.

‘We placed the Osborne-Brooks behind a door with a pint of Guinness in each hand,’ said Thape.

‘He was really quite shocked by the financial advisor, and had dispatched him within moments. Four stars – good value for money,’ added Thape.