Assad apologises and opens a Starbucks franchise in Mosul High Street

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President Assad has thanked The West for bombing him, accepted that he’d been wrong all along, and vowed to make Syria as brilliant as our bit of the world.

With the conflict in Syria now over, Assad has moved forward with his original plan to open a Starbucks near to the Mosul branch of Games Workshop, and that kitchen utensils place that sells loads of stuff with a copper finish.

Although pedestrian foot flow is expected to be low initially, Assad is hoping that the new range of big Bourbon creams may bring in the beleaguered Syrians.

‘I was just completely in a rut before yesterday’s bombings,’ admitted Assad.

‘Thank you for the bombings, it’s just the type of kick up the behind that I needed to make things ace in Syria,’ added Assad.