Michael Weinstein to be named Defence Secretary

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Theresa May is to announce that Michael Weinstein will be taking over as Secretary of State for Defence in an attempt to lessen the shame caused by Sir Michael Fallon.

Weinstein is hoping to take over with immediate effect, and hopes to carry on the good work of his predecessor.

Weinstein has been fairly clear about bringing his own team of backroom staff with him, including Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Spacey, and whoever will be named as tomorrow’s entertainment industry sex case.

‘I’ve seen the work that Parliamentary Ministers do, and I think I’ll be ok at it,’ said Weinstein.

‘The role seems to be about pretending to care, feathering one’s nest, and sexual deviancy – I’ll give it a go,’ added Weinstein.