Nicola Sturgeon claims to have had sex


In an extraordinary day of revelations for The Scottish National Party, Nicola Sturgeon has made the bizarre claim that she has had sex with another person.

Sturgeon, who is the love child of Clare Balding and Elton John, may be looking to take some of the focus off Alex Salmond’s equally unlikely claim that he has some sexual contact with another human.

The Scottish National Party (SNP), who have been lagging behind in the polls recently, had discussed hating a major religion like the other parties do, in a bid to raise their profile.

‘We should have gone for hating Hinduism, or Buddhists,’ said SNP spokesman, Peter Thape.

‘Nobody’s going to accept sex and Alex Salmond in the same sentence,’ added Thape.