And Jesus said unto the people…‘In November ye shall watch moody, black and white, perfume ads on the telly.’

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Jesus, one of the leading characters in the Bible, has insisted that every advert break includes some type of whispering, French-speaking, nonsense that ends with the name of a perfume or aftershave.

Jesus originally intended the month of November to be about advertising toys and games, but knows that the Toys ‘R’ Us bankruptcy has hit the sector badly.

Jesus has reminded his present day followers that amongst his disciples, the split between Hugo Boss, Diesel, and Joop was pretty even.

‘Pontius Pilate always liked Kouros, but he was a right dick,’ said Jesus.

‘Mary Magdalene smelled ace. She used a Dove product that said it wasn’t perfumed, but you could still smell it; subtle, really nice,’ added our Lord and Saviour.