‘I’ve bummed my way to the top,’ admits Cardinal

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Cardinal Pell is the man widely tipped to become the next Pope, and he has exclusively told Cutting News about his journey.

Pell is the Pope’s right-hand man, but as a heterosexual man, who never wanted to harm a child, it’s been a difficult path to take.

Pell claims that a fast-track promotion system was in place for those who committed some of the worse crimes.

‘I don’t understand how things have gone so wrong?’ said The Cardinal.

‘I just wanted to wear a frock and pretend a man existed in the sky,’ added Pell.