Pope to feel up last few abuse-free Irish Catholics

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The Pope’s trip to Ireland is hoping to include a little fiddle with the small number of Catholics who have not been abused yet.

From the big crowds that will be drawn to see the Holy Father, the non-abused will be pushed to the front and urged to kiss the papal ring.

Then a massive collection plate will be passed around the crowd to help the billionaire pontiff and his staff maintain their lifestyle.

‘It’s a truly brilliant day for Ireland,’ said local Catholic, Peter O’Thape.

‘It’s completely real; like when Father Christmas came to our school,’ added O’Thape.