‘Mark my crucifixion by going to DFS,’ said Jesus unto his followers


Jesus Christ, one of the leading characters in Netflix’s The Bible, left clear instructions for those who follow him.

Jesus told his disciples to remember the day of his death by visiting Retail Parks, and walking round the furniture shops.

Jesus though, warned his followers not to purchase the electronically operated recliner chair, foretelling that its weight would scratch your wooden floor.

‘Go to all the furniture shops, but be careful of the one where the staff come on too strong,’ wisely warned The Lord.

‘Pop into Currys if you’re nearby; get that toaster you need,’ added The Saviour of Mankind.