Pedestrian Crossing button pressers who cross early, to be severely punished

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People who cross early, leaving the traffic waiting at a vacant, beeping pelican crossing, are to have the tip of their pressing finger cut off.

The government will set up checkpoints across the country, seeking out those who press the Wait sign, cross, but fail to wait for the whole flashy, beepy circus to begin.

Celebrated leading circumcisers shall take 5mm from the top of the pressing finger in a bid to retrain felonious crossers. Driver, Peter Thape is pleased with the new legislation, having lost over nine seconds last year to pedestrian error.

‘I’ll never see those nine seconds again. I had to knock over a cyclist to make me feel better,’ said Thape.

‘It’s valuable time I could have spent racing up to the next set of lights,’ added Thape.