A Premier League footballer and his wife have had a baby.

A magazine has paid a multi-millionaire to confirm that he and his wife have had sex, and subsequently had a child as a result of the act. The tittle-tattle based magazine has pictures of the three protagonists involved, and a heart-warming story about eating placenta. The nation are generally pleased that footballer, Jamie Vardy has had a baby, except for Leicester City fan, Peter Thape.

‘It’s great news that his penis and her uterus are all in working order,’ said Thape.

‘Would it be possible for Vardy to score some goals though?’ added Thape.