England to drop out of World Cup after group stage, in protest against Putin

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In light of Boris Johnson’s suggestion that Vladimir Putin intends to use the World Cup in the same style that Hitler used the 1936 Olympics, England have decided to leave the tournament after the group stages.  

Gareth Southgate’s team have wilted to political pressure, and intend to play out disappointing draws against Tunisia and Panama, before bowing out with a defeat to Belgium.

Southgate has asked his team to reinforce their protest by playing in a slow, deliberately unwatchable style.

‘It’s a tournament that we probably would have won. The players, not that you’ve ever heard of any of them, are absolutely gutted,’ said Southgate.

‘Still the under 19’s are good. Shame they’re not allowed to play in the grown up league,’ added Southgate.