Football clubs to only sign amputees to avoid giving away penalties

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Europe’s top football clubs have agreed to only sign double arm amputees in the future, to avoid the possibility of giving away a penalty for handball.

So ridiculous have the rules become, that only those players without arms are likely to prosper within the modern game.

Local double arm amputee, Peter Thape, who normally sits down all day wishing he could have a wank, has suddenly been valued at £100 million, and is generating quite some interest from Spurs.

‘Yeah, getting a blinged-up Bentley next week,’ said Thape.

‘Then some hair plugs, and a Love Island plastic bimbo wife,’ added new armless footballer, Thape.