Footballers to have arms chopped off to avoid giving away penalties


Players in the knock-out rounds of the World Cup will not be allowed to have arms, to help referees to make the right decisions about handball.

The controversial policy introduced by FIFA looks set to irritate some of the leading players, who will subsequently find rudimentary tasks such as washing up, driving, and clapping more difficult.

FIFA spokesman, Peter Thape believes that the new armless footballers will offer a certain clarity to the complex handball rule.

‘No longer will we need to hear studio morons say the words…his arms weren’t in a natural position,’ said Thape.

‘Plus, this creates work for a highly trained group of shoelace tiers,’ added Thape.