Women who become ‘accidently’ pregnant to be canonised

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The Church has announced that women who accidently become pregnant will be granted miracle status after new research confirmed that it is now impossible to become pregnant by chance.

Ground-breaking government studies have shown that for pregnancy to occur the male pointy bit needs to make sufficient impact upon the female rude section. Further tests on a mixed-sex group of passers-by on a busy street proved that no pregnancy could occur without more intimate contact. Peter Thape headed up the study and recorded the results.

‘The closest example of accidental pregnancy we could find was in observing footage of 1980’s football supporters standing together at matches,’ said Thape.

‘We did speak with women who had ‘fallen’ pregnant. But we then discovered that they had fallen onto a penis with their legs ajar.’ Thape added.